Don't you hate people who talk about their dreams???
Well you'll love this entry.
"Last night I dreamed I rode naked on a Unicorn".
No i didn't. I'm not that lame.
Ok, keep in mind much of identity, drug-taking and love affairs have been formed at a funky, three-storey mixed (but predominantly gay) mightclub called The Market.
Last night, after first going there for 7 years ago....I had my first dream about it.
I was walking up the steps and walking down the opposite way, on a different set of steps was a guy who I always had a crush in high school. As far as I know...in real life....this guy is not gay. But in my dream (lol) he was really gay looking. He had an emo haircut like Matt. He was actually a hybrid between Matt and this guy from school. He waved at me and walked off.
Then I realised it was about twenty past ten in the morning and the place was shutting early. The only person left on the dance floor was my boss Ali. I told her about Aaron (the guy from school who was also half Matt) and how I had always had a crush on him and now he was at a gay nightclub. She said it was great but had spilt all her marbles on the dancefloor. They were everywhere. I offered to help pick them up, but they were in lots of little pieces and I wasn't even sure where they all went.
I left with Aaron and his friend who dropped me off at the base of my parents old house in Emerald. We pashed like horny school girls when I left.
Ok......so Dr Luke the self-obsessed psychoanalyst says.....
The most obvious thing for me is "losing marbles on the dancefloor". Its pretty clear what this means and if anyone has seen me attempt to dance they would know what I'm talking about. So many things mentally disintegrated, fell-apart and re-organised in that place. It was a place where I felt unwanted, desired, smoked ICE, mixed with celebrities, told my haircut was OVA over, took GHB, kissed men so they would give me speed, doted on 18 year olds, changed my hair, changed my clothes, spent multiple days awake, danced like a fuckwit, overcame my fears, had drug-induced psychosis and spiced up my lingo just to get a glimpse into a couple of "in groups".
In essence I lost my fucking mind and Ali represented the "normal, straight, together, working" me that couldn't piece back together to function. My mind fell apart and I had no idea how to put back together again or even what went where. So I started laughing at my own insanity and left it going as the mess that it was.
As for, the Aaron-Matt hybrid person. This might go some way to explaining why I feel rejection so deeply. As a closeted gay man at school I frequently had feelings for other guys at school. I never told them, but everytime I got close to even flirting I was rejected and even made fun of. That's a few crucial years I missed on. Learning how to handle relationships. Learning the little lessons of how to play the game, how to know if someone doesn't like you, how to dump someone. I think I spent a lot of years feeling ugly, unloved, unloveable, freaky, dirty, effeminate, wrong. I think that's why I've also spent a lot of time dating guys who are 17-18-19. I'm trying to fill a big hole (lol, so to speak) in my life that I went without the stuff I needed. Like love and sex and a peer group and feeling like I fit somewhere. So when I get rejected or dumped now, the feeling is multiplied. I am transported back to that abject place in myself. That place where I am unlovable, dirty, unwanted. That teenage boy who nobody else wants to be. That only finds his way into the company of others if he promises that they can laugh at him.
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