Shooting Dogs

I had an urge to cut myself today. We were on the home from the pub. A little pit full of anxiety tempted me to dash into the bathroom with a knife and slash away.

My sister is getting my parents new knives for Christmas perhaps it would be more sensible to wait until then.

I cant hear myself think in this house.

I cant hear myself think right now.

Dad's on the phone. He's being 'hilarious'. He yells when he talks.

Its of course ok to joke now because he's drunk.

Nothing was funny all day today.

Or yesterday, when I wsa told to stop "being silly". Seriously.

Not when Im being funny. Not to steal his limelight.

He's been a fucking headache since I got here. Im sick of hearing about his shit.

Speaking of which, he farted before when he was outside and accidentally shit his pants. Shit ran down his legs. He had to have a shower. Everyone lauged.

Im not joking.

The other day Mum when it didn't look like I was going to get any Centrelink payments, his response??? (looking sincerely stressed)

"I tried to call u to say we were running out of milk"

I looked in the fridge there was still three litres.

"At least we still have milk" I said.

I hate being here. Milk or no milk. And don't get me started about his 'strawberry crunch' ice-creams. Dad specialises in basic food, fresh from the 1950s.

Im going out of my mind.

He has refused to take part in our Christmas lunch - "Christmas doesnt mean anything to me" - apparently the family doesnt mean heaps either.

Oh yeah, that's right....your mentally fucking ill....how would the birth of Jesus change that?

The one thing we do as a family together is play tennis. Im good at it. It keeps me in shape. It gives me something to do when there is nothing much else to do. He doesn't want to play, its too hot during the day he says and cant see properly at night.

He says he cant understand why Moslems want to build a school in a rural area of NSW because "there are only 1000 Moslems in the area".

Only? Later that night Fred Nile appeared on Today Tonight saying Moslems are anti-Christmas and the school should not be built.

"Something fishy is going on here Dad. I think its cover to build the Islamic nuclear bomb" I said.

He walked-off perplexed.

As far as I see it, the demons are within. Most of the heartbreaks and pain we experience are from the people we are closest too, not Moslems and certainly not Moslem high schools. In his case, Id be more concerned with being a grown man who shits his pants than teenage girls wearing burkas.

Ive had a migraine type headache since I got up here. I cant work out whether im withdrawing or its the heat.

I havent felt well since I got up here. I want to leave, but Ive got nowhere to go. Ive also had a pain in the stomach all week.

A little bit of the artificial rapture wouldn't hurt right now.

A little bit of a trampoline, springing off reality and up to the loving arms of god.

Floating off into self-confidence, grandiose illusions, love for all, instant happy and fucking good hair. I'll have a make-over, pop a pill, pick up a teenage boy then get stoned and cack myself with my friends about the silliness of it all the next day. I'll still be glamourous on monday, so I'll skip work with a migraine and a touch of the psychosis - go out again monday night, feel like men are all over me...use them for drinks and covercharge and then maybe reluctantly fuck one of them if they get me drunk enough and promise to drive me home. On a good night Ill put a queen back in his box, scare a straight guy, reject a fatso, declare myself the best dancer and watch how easily I can fit with the 'in' group. Ill come home have a breakdown, think I'm ugly, hallucinate that I have a hole in my face, drain my friends of their last emotional reserves and wonder why X, Y and Z haven't texted me back. I might then have an anxiety attack, smoke a bong, pine for a boy to cuddle up next to me, scheme a way to get more drugs and then if all that fails then its probably time to get some heroin. I finally go to work on Wednesday, where one colleague tells they are worried about me "because your shaking like a leaf" and then another tells me how terrible I look. But hey,

'Ive still got a good job and date for the weekend. My life really isnt that bad"

Thursdays are often spent working out why Ive been dumped this week and then trying to pretend I dont really care anyway. I'll go out on Friday in a brand new outfit, worried I look try-hardish and out of shape. Perhaps I dress too young for my age. Concerns fade when a straight girl comes up to me and tells me ten times that "really, really cute" - then wonder if she would say the same thing if I was straight - cant see any gay boys telling me Im wonderful. Impress tag-along friends with how many people I know, that I know the right people and even the hip young drag queens who are very selective abouth who they talk too. See, here, nobody wants to bother fucking with me here....I can get anything I want...."Imagine if the whole world was gay, I'd fucking rule this land" I say. But really Im feeling anxious and awkward and self-conscious and unattractive and FUCK I NEED A PILL....got one...need another...and another. Its close to morning and I feel tired and Ive got nothing to go home to and Ill touch your cock if you give me some speed. Happy again. It all falls apart when the 'it' crowd to invite me back to their after-party and then Im back on the train with the tag-along and Im wondering how all these normal people doing their everyday Saturday shit could possibly function without the lure of the rapture.

HOW THE FUCK DO YOU CUNTS DO IT?

Chances are youve still a migraine from your working week. You still remember the time you got dumped and your worried there isnt enough milk in the fridge.

Cant you see you are in some way less than your neighbour?

That your destined for a life of labour and in the cold, hard light of day none of us are particulaurly good looking.

Most of our time is spent doing things we dont want to do. I hate being here, do you?

Do u ever cut yourself when you feel bad? Do you live in a fantasy world?

Yknow what Dad, Ive never talked to you about this before but the expirty date on the scene is nearly up and am already starting to smell.

Then I'll be like you. Just as insane and self-centered and weak-bowelled, probably much more lonely but thankfully not as fat.