Its Starting, I Can Feel Myself Getting All Muddled

It took me an hour and 20 minutes to get ready. Without being too-faggy about it, I was having accessory issues. I had more freedom when it came to fashion in Brisbane, Melbourne was at least 12 months ahead so I could be edgy and not look like a dickhead. Eventually I settled on low-strung studded belt , a blue skull-design silk scarf wrapped around my waist, white skull-design bandenna sitting out of my backpocket, dunlop volleys, my robot t-shirt and a ninja style red headband with chinese writing on it.


I looked good, believe it or not.


I walked into Beat hoping that as many people would notice me as possible. A guy cracked onto me as soon as hit the dancefloor. A girl with glasses came up to me

"If your wondering where all the hot guys are they go to Family on sunday nights" she said.

"Well there certainly not here" I said scanning the room.

"Whats your type?" she asked me.

"Young, pretty-boy, twinky types"

"I'll have a look around for"

"Thanks, I need the help"

I walked into another section of the club. The guy who cracked onto me followed, he was nice - but his shirt was awful. He didnt buy me a drink. I needed to fuck him right off.

I spotted a small, dark guy on the floor. Great hair, nice colouring. I looked at him closer to make sure he wasnt an ugly cunt hiding behind a good haircut. He was cute, very cute...I wanted him bad.

I trotted over.

He was wearing a t-shirt was a skull on the front.

"I like skulls" I said.

He smiled at me drunkenly.

"Ive got skulls here" I said pointing to the scarf and "here" I said turning around and showing him the bandenna poking out of my backpocket.

He was aloof as all shit. Guys normally tell me I'm hott......he didnt....it made want h9im more.

I ran my hand down his chest, he started dancing up to me.

The song came on....

"Fuck the pain away
Fuck the pain away
Fuck the pain away

He looked at me and mouthed the lyrics with mock-seriousness.

I laughed, grabbed him and started pashing.

Other guys were trying to meet eyes with him, I stared them down.

"Im getting a drink" I said

"Can you get me one too?"

Apparently Im paying.

"Whats your name?"

"Keegan"

"I like your style" I told him.

I was smitten, I went home to get more money so i could buy him more drinks.

When I came back I found him talking with the drag queen I had seen up the street. He was still out of drag - those eyebrows however will never be out of drag. He knew the right people. The queen shoved a pill in his mouth. The Queen came up to me and put her around me.

"Your really hot" she said.

We started pashing.

Then all three of us started pashing at the bar. I was in the middle. I was fucking loving it.

They guessed my age to be 23, they were both 24.

"Im 28" I said.

"Ive been looking for an older man" Keegan said.

I put my arm around Keegan and my hand on the Queen's lap.

"And whats your name?" I asked the Queen.

"Lexi or Tom" he/she said.

We rested our cheeks all together and started pashing three-ways again.

Lexi left with an 18 year old boy and started kissing him away from the bar.

Hooray, I was alone with Keegan.

Who was fucked-up. He had dark rings around his eyes from the drugs. It was sexy.

"Are you from Brisbane?" he asked me.

"No Melbourne"

"Why are you here?"

"I got suspended from work and I have to go to a drug rehab place before I'm fit to work again."

"Rehab sucks" he said.

"Why?"

"It didnt work for me"

"Yeah, no shit"

"Uh?"

"Healthy people generally dont have cheekbones that good"

"Actually my cheekbones always look like this"

"Well u r very pretty"

Stop it u idiot, ur not playing the game.

"I know its a curse"

He said, nearly falling off his chair.

"So why didnt it work for you?"

"What?"

"Rehab"

"My Dad's a drug dealer"

"So?"

"And my Mum was a prostitute"

"So, how does that mean that rehab didnt work for you, whats that got to do with it?"

"Well...where I grew up it was a bit like the Bronx. No-one expected me to do anything with my life and I have. My fashion designs are really starting to take off, they are in shops all over Brisbane"

"Where did you grow-up?"

"In London, I'm half-maltese, half-spanish"

I love this boy - i wasnt going to give just yet.

"And so what.....you told me about your parents because you think it makes u cool to have parents like that?"

"Fuck off"

"Want another drink?"

"Yep"

"Do u still want me to fuck off"

He looked at me through his black-ringed eyes and smiled.

"Hey do u want my number?"

"Okay"

He wrote it on a piece of paper. I saw him a bit later and he seemed to cracking onto a teenager with a face like a horse. A pit of unreasonable fury started to make its way through my stomach and into the chest. I was pissed, I'd been ditched too many times for this to happen and now to happen again, when Im actually smitten.

Fuck him. I left.

He saw me as I was leaving.

"Do u want my number?"

"I already have ur number" I yelled at him angrily.

He turned to his friend.

"Oh, he's angry with me".

I went home caught up in the conclusion that I had once again fallen for the wrong boy. A game-player, a narcissist, a drug-addict with good hair. It seemed to late, he'd stained my mind and not even a good dose of Zoloft would wash it out.

I woke up the next day flooded with anxiety. That awful, horrible feeling of infatuation with the wrong one - THE ONE WHO DOESNT LOVE U BACK. Nothing else mattered that morning as a laid in bed watching a black storm slowly drift across the Brisbane skyline. The world is fucking ugly and cruel I thought to myself.

I sent him a txt. "nice to meet u last night and btw u were fucked-up".

Mum and I walked down to the Valley. I tried telling her what happened, she wasnt in the mood.

"Cut to the chase, Luke, your stories can be so long-winded"

"Forget it" I said and walked back to the hotel.

It seemed like no big deal on the surface, but it was starting to flood inside of me. I thought of the road sign 'no standing' that had been submerged in Lismore. The snake out of place near an underwater Van. The angst in my stomach was spreading and nothing else really mattered. I wanted to cut myself.

He wont txt me back.

Im a fucking idiot.

Im going to cut myself.

Back at the hotel I took two Zolofts, put a toner in my hair, shaved my face, cut my inner thigh with a kitchen knnife and gave myself a semi-deluxe facial.

I went to bed and lay stating at the wall.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

My phone went off. It was him.

"Yeah way too fucked. nice meeting u as well"

He had pulled the plug, my anxiety drained straight away. He wasnt just using me to get drinks, I thought. The storm had made its way over. Humidity changed to straight coolness and the rain pelted down on the windows. Something had changed. I went into the bathroom and put tea-tree oil on my cut and put the finishing touches on my eyebrows.

My hair really did need that toner, it was looking way too yellow....I thought, he'll like me even more now.