It came all over me that night. I was its bitch once more. It was milky white, the same colour as the home-made cocktail Id been been drinking. It was vicious, out of control. It was white noise.

It didnt need much stimulation.

Just a phone call that never came.

And news of someone being more succesful than me.

And then Waterloo. The beginning of the end.

It stops being white and then it burns and crackles.

More alcohol. More alcohol. The cocktail drowns out the smoke so we can forget about it for a while. No one else noticed anyway. It still burns though, it burns like vodka in your throat. It fries the fuck out of meaning.

You are human, so at first you care. You try to stop yourself feeling like shit. You make little firebreaks, little consolations.
"Of course not everyone is going to like me"
"Im never going to be the best at everything"

You say them over and over again, just like Mummy used to say. Im sorry though these shallow little cliches dont come close to stopping the burning reality of what it means to be a human being.

When it breaks loose it jumps right over cliche and right into consciousness.

Your having an episode again.

Your picturing yourself cutting. But where you ask yourself? Where? Its sunny Queensland? Im always in shorts. Perhaps you should just suicide. Maybe, but then I have to get out of bed.

If I could be bothered which I cant, cause Im uncomfortable enough just lying here. You would cut your wrists. But maybe I wouldnt die I would just run out of the bathroom screaming and crying and run into my parents bedroom demanding to be taken to a hospital. Do you get in now you idiots?

Would be nice to go to hospital to get fixed.

Go away please.

And I wish Mum would stop telling me Im being dramatic.

Perhaps I am dramatic.

Go away drama.

Go away.

Stay.

Cause you were with me one minute.

And then you left me all alone with nothing and nobody.

I just want to sleep now.

*

And I did sleep. When I woke up in the morning the thoughts, those shitty thoughts had gone....just as they appeared with no rhyme or reason.

I was me again. The fire was out and not a singe mark in sight.

And btw, none of this shit makes any fucking sense.