I had a dream about Keegan that night.

It was adults only.

I woke-up hard and wanked about him. Again. Keegan and me and twink in threesome. Thats it its over. Ive blown. Back to reality, back to Bundaberg, back to Waterloo....the beginning of the end.

Txt to Keegan 'How much did u charge again? Was it two drinks or two hundred an hour? I forgot. Lol'

Reply "Ha ha. A million dollars".

Me again "But Ive got a health care card now. What's the concession rate?"

No reply.

It was poison.

I started thinking thinking about going to Brisbane on the weekend. To see him. If he doesnt want to see me, find someone - anyone. Its not that hard. Gay men are easy.

Even still, I imagined going to Melbourne with Keegan taking him to my friends party and showing him off.

Every fantasy about him seemed to jettison from the intutitive truth - he's really that into it.

And I've learnt the hard way that you cant make someone love you. And I'm not sure why then if he rang me and said "come down to Brisbane, stay with me" - which he wouldnt - I would have thrown away my whole recovery process right there and then.

'Sure Keegan, Bundaberg can shove rehab up its distilled arse'

*

"Dad's still not right" I said to Mum.

"I know"

"He's a mess. He lays in bed all day"

"He's depressed Luke. There is nothing I can do about it"

She stopped and cleaned a chopping board in the kitchen that looked spotless.

And went on "when u were back in Melbourne he started acting a bit strange"

"That's not like Dad" I added sarcastically.

She started cleaning the stove-top.

"I worry about that man sometimes. I wish he'd get rid of that gun"

She took a deep breath.

"The other day he nabbed by a copper in Gin Gin for not having his seatbelt on. He was so angry he said he was going to go down to the station, ask for the officer and then shoot him right in the face"

"Jesus Mum. Do u really think he would do that though?"

"Um. I dont know. He gets so irrational I think he could do just about anything. He gets so caught up in his bullshit, he doesnt seem to. To, um, care about the consequences"

"mmmm. God"

"And I tell u something, please dont repeat this. Not even to Tanya. One day he went for a walk. I noticed his gun was missing. He was in a weird mood when he left. Y'know all doom and gloom - the whole world is terrible. He was missing for 3 hours. I thought, yep, he's finally done it. He's gone to shoot himself in the bush"

"Let me guess. He's still alive" I added being a smart arse.

"Your horrible Luke. He came back in a really happy mood. Happy as Larry. I asked him why he took the gun and he said he didnt know"

"Maybe he was looking for those wild dogs."

"mmmm. maybe. I think that his most likely cause of death is suicide. He gets so bloody irrational"

Mum stopped cleaning and squeezed the water out of the dishcloth.

"Oh did I tell u the girl who lives around the corner, Mary, her horse got mauled by feral dogs the other day. The poor thing ran straight into a barbed-wire fence. When they found the horse she was on the ground. She lost so much blood she nearly died"

"Poor thing, is she ok?"

"Yeah, we think so"

I thought about the dogs. Those fucking dogs. They could have killed something much smaller, they liked the sport of taking on a horse.

I wanted to shoot them. Dad and I on motorbikes, in tough terrain, in the QLD summer. I'd kill one and say "see I have got a dick"

An ugly brown Cane Toad caught my eye in the kitchen. I tried to stab with a knife, it was too malleable - it didnt die. I boiled the kettle and poured the water over it. It turned a strange shade of green and died almost instantly. Humanely. I picked it up and threw it outside.